Background

Marital infidelity is without a doubt one of life's most difficult crisis to deal with.  The pain associated with knowing that someone you love and trust has betrayed that trust hurts.  According to the website www.marriageproject.org "22 percent of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives, and 14 percent of married women have had an affair at some time." What can you do to stop an affair from happening?  What do you do when your spouse has had an affair?  We will try to shed some insight on the subject.

What to do first

• First, you must be certain if your spouse is having an affair. Click here for the link to "46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair" by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach.

• If you do suspect that your spouse is cheating you may want to find out for certain before you confront them.  This will eliminate the need for listening to lies and keeping your suspicions without closure. 

• There are many ways for you to monitor your spouse's activities, especially on the Internet, where many of today's future affairs begin as chat, cyber-sex, flirtations, and instant messaging.  There are many products that will allow to to secretly review all of the web activity on a computer.  For example, the software at the link below will record every keystroke on a computer allowing you to recreate every single message typed.

• There are other ways to confirm whether or not your spouse is having an affair.  One of the most common methods is to hire a private investigator who will covertly watch your spouse and record any evidence of infidelity such as photographs, motel receipts, etc.  This may be the evidence that you need to confront your spouse and find out the truth.

• If you have witnessed one or more of the clues in Dr. Huizenga's list you may just want to confront your spouse and not let them off the hook especially if the suspicious behavior continues.

• Do not assume that your spouse will grow tired of the affair and come running back to you.  While this does happen it is more than likely not the case.  Nor will it help to go out and have an affair of your own.  The best course of action is to proactively work towards resolution either by recognizing that the marriage is no longer working or by taking immediate steps to save the marriage.  Turning a blind eye to a spouse's infidelity only allows it to continue indefinitely with one or more partners and erodes the self-esteem of the spouse at home.

• One of the most effective ways to catch a cheating spouse is to hire a private investigator to monitor your spouse's activities and bring you evidence of the infidelity.  For the closure it can bring in a relatively short period of time the cost of hiring a Private Investigator can be well worth it.  See the list of Private Investigators who specialize in marital cases.

What to do next

• Let's assume that you have found out the truth and your spouse IS having an affair.  Now it's up to you?  What do you want?  Yes, you are hurt and angry.  But you need to decide what the next step is and use all of your strength to get to the next level. 

• Can your marriage survive?  Do you want to stay married?  Do you love your spouse enough to eventually forgive her and move forward in a trusting relationship?  If the answer is yes then how about your spouse.  Does he value your marriage and is he willing to give up his affair?  Is he willing to never see her again and to come back to the marriage as a faithful partner?  If that commitment cannot be made or it is made but is a lie you have to take a tough approach.

• If you need emotional help and support GET IT NOW.  You should probably be in therapy at least twice a week so you have a place to explore your emotions and to have someone to hear out your ideas and plans.

• This is probably a good time to find the best divorce lawyer that you can find.  Make sure that you interview several to find the one who has an excellent track record, who treats you with respect, and seems to have the ability to communicate effectively.  It is important to have all of your "ducks in a row" so that you can speak with you spouse about the future from an informed point-of-view.

• If you spouse says that he is willing to continue with your marriage and is able to stop his affair immediately (not tomorrow) you should consider seeing a marriage counselor together to discuss some of the problems in your relationship that caused the affair to begin in the first place.

• Affairs are about many different things.  Mostly they are NOT about love.  Affairs come to different people at different times.  Your spouse may be feeling that your home life is too filled with problems and stress.  Children may be causing preoccupations.  You may be going through a health crisis and your spouse if actually AFRAID of losing you and has taken refuge in the arms of another woman to keep his fears at arm's length.  You and your spouse need to speak frankly about the issues that are causing the lack of intimacy and connection in your marriage at the current time and mutually agree to find ways to rekindle the spark that was once there between you.

What can you learn from this experience?

     When a spouse has an affair it can have a devastating affect on the faithful spouse and the marriage.  It is very important to be strong and to not overreact emotionally to the infidelity.  This is a time for logic, reason, and strength and not an overly emotional display about betrayal.  Yes, this was a betrayal but more than that is was probably just sex, fear, closeness, or some other momentary need that was a driving force in the decision. 

     The real question to ask is whether or not the marriage can survive because the "business" of marriage is a difficult one to dissolve.  There are assets, children, family, friends, and so much more at stake.  If love can survive and both partners are truly committed to one another they need to get the help they need to move forward, forgive, forget, and rebuild.

     The aftermath of an affair whether it is the rebuilding and renewal of a marriage or divorce and a new life for each partner is a major life transformation that will be an experience of growth and spiritual flourishing.  You must use all of the resources that you have at your disposal...legal, psychological, spiritual, and more to bolster your ego and to weight your options to make the best choice for yourself for today and in the future.