Background Information

Anger is a good thing!  It is a universal emotion experienced by man, woman and child the world over.  Anger is an emotion that, when expressed appropriately, is entirely normal and should not be inhibited or of deep concern.  Anger does become a concern when our method of expressing anger hurts ourselves or others in emotional or physical ways.  This section will help you to understand when anger is being expressed appropriately and when anger is not being handled well and outside intervention is needed before someone is irreversibly damaged.

What to do Right Now!

• First, it is important to examine what is making you angry.  Can you pinpoint a specific reason for your anger?  Is someone you love being somehow hurt in some way?  Have you been made to feel embarrassed? Have you experienced a painful event in your life like the breakup of a relationship or the loss of a job? Have you been the victim of a crime or another event?  Has some social wrong come to your attention such as the lack of resources for the homeless?  These are all valid reasons for experience angry feelings.  However, a red flag should be waving if you are experiencing angry feelings WITHOUT having any particular event as the trigger.

• As you begin to experience anger your body goes through changes and the tension begins to mount in preparation of a reaction to the event that is making your angry.  And following that change you will be making a conscious decision about how to express that anger so that you can release the stress that is building up inside.  It is how you express that anger and the amount of control you are able to exercise that is important.

• Some people are unable to express anger.  They are afraid that in some way their anger will hurt others and they will fall into disfavor with the others.  They are afraid that is they begin to express anger they will not be able to exert enough control over their anger.  It is important to note that the appropriate release of angry feelings is very important to your emotional and physical well-being. People who cannot express their anger and repress that emotion often wind up with many physical problems including headaches, stomach problems, ulcers, and other issues due to the unresolved anger that creates the unresolved tension in their bodies.  The appropriate release of anger and the expression of angry feelings is very important because it give you an opportunity to "get the stressful feelings off of your chest" and give you the ability to resolve the problems that led to the anger.

• When we talk about the appropriate expression of anger we usually are referring to taking anger out at the person or object that is making you angry in the first place.  It is also appropriate to say that you are angry and to state the reason and what you would like to see as the resolution to your angry feelings.  For example, if you went to a restaurant and the waiter was rude you should express to the waiter and/or the manager that you will not tolerate the rude service.  You have the right to expect a remedy that is suitable to resolving your anger such as being assigned a new waiter or having all or part of your check paid for by the restaurant as a form of apology.

• Anger becomes a problem when you are not able to express it towards the person you are angry at and you take it out on someone else who is not the cause of the anger. The expression "you always hurt the one you love" is often true when it comes to the expression of anger.  Since it is very hard to express your anger at the boss a work who has humiliated you in front of your co-workers you may come home and snap at your wife and children displacing your angry feelings to someone you feel safer with.  This is when innocent people begin to get hurt by your anger and a trigger that you need help with your anger.

• Another way that the expression of anger becomes a problem is when you cannot exhibit self-control.  For example, it is usual to express anger by raising your voice, expressing the problem or issue that is making you angry and insisting on some type of remedy.  However, if your anger cannot be held within those boundaries and you punch, hit, verbally humiliate or engage in some other type of extreme behavior that you have little ability to control, you have a problem.

What to do next

• Firstly, you must learn the appropriate ways to express anger.

• Your anger should not hurt yourself or anyone else.

• You should be able to take a few deep breaths, collect your thoughts and state your anger in a clear way.

• When you feel intense anger it is best to tell the person your are angry with that you need time away from the immediate situation to think and tell them that you will discuss the matter with them later.

• When circumstances do not permit you to safely express your anger you may need to use the energy in another way so that the stress does not continue to build physically and emotionally.  Doing exercise such as vigorous aerobics, weight lifting, etc. help go along way in gaining control over angry thoughts.

• If you are unable to express your anger because the situation does not allow a direct confrontation with the person you feel the anger towards you may need to speak to someone you can trust or to a therapist about the angry feelings.

• When you see that you are in a pattern of negative behavior in response to anger it is time to see help.  Some of the resources below can help or you can find a psychotherapist in your local telephone directory.

What can you learn from this experience?

Anger is a very normal emotion that all human being experience.  When handled properly anger is a very helpful response to a situation that requires attention in your life.  When expressed appropriately and directed at its true source anger can help to resolve problems and build relationships.  However, when anger is a constant feeling without any direct cause that can be pinpointed or when your response to angry feelings is to lash out or behave violently towards yourself or others that is the signal that an underlying problem exists and help is needed.  It is very important to understand this difference and to learn the appropriate skills to include the expression of anger in ways that are helpful and not harmful.