What to do if a loved one has breast cancer

BACK TO CRISIS LIST

What to do first

• When the doctor tells you that you have breast cancer the very first thing to tell yourself is that you are not alone.  One in ten women who life to the age of 80 will develop breast cancer.  In the United States, breast cancer is the most commonly diagnosed form of cancer in women accounting for one in three diagnoses.

• Your next step is to get a second and even a third opinion.  Find the very best doctor that you can afford and make an appointment for a consultation.  The doctor will ask you to bring a copy of your medical records and your radiology work and will give you a second opinion.  Check the "Help on the Web" links below for links to the worlds best cancer resources.

• Get emotional help if you need it and accept your feelings.  There is no way of knowing just how you will respond to this news.  Some women are able to bury the emotions behind the veneer of logic and self-control while other women may want to cry all the time.  Simply acknowledge that your life has been turned upside down and that your fears are well justified. 

• However, remember that you are in control.  You have the ability to make many choices about how you go ahead in healing this disease.  You can choose your doctors and your treatment options.  You can choose to develop a positive attitude and gather the support and services needed to make your recovery process a smoother one.

What to do next

• After you have processed the initial emotions about having breast cancer and have made arrangements for your second opinion it is now time to gather as much information as possible so you can be the most informed consumer of medical services possible.

• The "Help on the Web" links below will provide you with access to many of the world's leading cancer specialists and the largest databases regarding cancer care, research protocols, and support services.  Take the time to investigate.  Also, check out the links to books and other resources below that can provide you with more needed information.

• Take solace in the knowledge that cancer treatment today is much more advanced than just a few years ago.  Often radical mastectomy (removal of the breast and neighboring tissue and muscles) can be avoided in favor of a lumpectomy (removal of the cancerous growth) and treatment with radiation, chemotherapy, or both.  Also, when a mastectomy is necessary, there have been great advances in reconstructive surgery so that the emotional life of a woman can also heal more quickly with self-esteem intact.

• Talk to others who have undergone the same procedures.  Often your doctor or your hospital will know of other cancer survivors who are willing to talk to newly diagnosed patients.  Using this type of resource can provide a great confidence that there is life after a cancer diagnosis and that once over the surgery, treatment "hump" life can return to a normal existence.

• Do not be afraid to ask for help.  You may be the caretaker of the family but this is a time when you must conserve your energy.  Don't do more than you are capable of and do not be afraid to ask for help.  Your children can pitch in a clean the house.  Your husband can cook dinner or pick up something from the restaurant.  You need to save your energy for your treatment and should not push yourself when you feel tired or drained.

• It may be necessary to adjust your body image to deal with concerns about your femininity, sexuality, beauty, and attractiveness to your spouse.  There may be a time of grieving for your lost breast if a mastectomy is necessary.  Keep in mind that your life is the most important aspect in the medical decision making process.  Whatever it takes to cure you and live your full life is critical.  You are beautiful despite your surgery.  Sexuality is a mental attitude, a state of mind.  It is not reliant upon any physical attribute or body part.  At this time is is very important to speak to other women who have successfully gone through breast surgery and who have returned to a normal sexual lifestyle.

• Remember that while you are the sick one in the family it is often very difficult for the other members of your family to see you ill.  After all, in most families, the woman is the "Rock of Gibraltar," the prime caretaker. With that role sidetracked for awhile, many spouses and children can get freaked out.  They may need the help of a therapist to handle their own emotions towards your illness.

What can you learn from this experience?

• You will be a different person after surviving breast cancer.  You will be stronger and able to handle the "little things" in life a lot more easily.  You will be less affected by the daily irritations that may have upset you in the past.  Your relationships will take on a new importance and you begin to cement the important relationships in your life and to develop a deeper intimacy with your loved ones.  And while the chances of a complete recovery are excellent your sense of mortality will help you to see the beauty in everyday things.  You will be more aware of the sun rises and sunsets; you will be aware of the beauty of nature; and you will want to do the type of work that fulfills your spiritual nature.  Your life will be lived with a deeper sense of respect and urgency.  Take your cancer as a gift and do everything you can to be proactive in the handling of your medical care.  Then see the opportunities to live your life to the fullest and to make every day the most special day that you can.