Background Information

What to do first

• Don't be in denial.  Many parents miss the signs of alcohol or drug use because they simply cannot bring themselves to believe that there child has the problem. Not every teen who uses drugs and alcohol will become addicted.  Addiction is thought to be an obsessive and compulsive behavior that affects about seven to ten percent of teen substance users. The younger a young person begins to drink or abuse drugs the greater their chances for full blown addiction.  It is important for parents to truly understand the workings of alcohol or drug addiction.  Many resources are available to you under our resource listings to the right. 

• It is very important to monitor your teens friends, his activities and his whereabouts.  If your child is drinking or abusing drugs it is very likely that he is hanging out with a crowd who does the same.

• As the abuse begins to grow it is inevitable that your child will begin to lie.  She will lie about who she is with; where she is during the time away from how; and what she is doing. Also, you may see a drop in school grades, older friendships, and emotional state.  Your child may become moody and angry.  Or she may become secretive.  You are often likely to find money missing from your purse or wallet or places where you save money around the house.

• Confronting or accusing your child will likely result in denials.  Very few abusive individuals will readily admit they have a problem.  You may find during the later stages of their addiction that they have stopped going to school (although they may leave each day for school); may have trouble with the law or may be involved with automobile accidents.

• Remember that addiction is a disease.  Speaking to your child and simply insisting they stop is like telling someone with lung cancer to stop coughing.  The disease needs to be treated -- not the symptoms.

• Your first goal is to seek professional assistance for you and your family.  Trained drug and alcohol counselors exist and they can assess where your child is on the addiction scale and provide guidance to and your child that may help.  Unfortunately, it is often necessary to arrange for an intervention before your child will realize that there is a problem and permit others to help them.

• An intervention is a systematic confrontation with your teen that helps to break down the wall of denial and to have your teen take responsibility and admit their addictive behavior. At that point it is likely that your child will need to be part of a therapy program or an in-patient treatment program.  An intervention is often done with several people helping.  Supportive friends and family members who are not part of the alcohol or drug user group are often includes.  Also included can be school guidance counselor, clergy person, another teen who overcame the addictive behaviors, a coach or teacher.

• The goal of the intervention is to have the teen admit his problem and agree to treatment.  Do not listen to or accept promises that they will stop.  They cannot because they are sick.  Their illness must be treated appropriately and despite their good intentions they cannot help themselves most times.  Do not feel guilty if they cry, beg, promise or exhibit other behavior that plays on your guilt as a parent.  You need to get them the help they need as difficult as that may be.

• When dealing with your teen's addiction here are some definite do's and don'ts.

  • Don't criticize, name call or accuse your child of being "bad."

  • Follow a professional's advice and don't act like you think a parent should act.  These are very specific circumstances that require very specific actions.

  • Don't expect your child to act "normally."  They may express anger, curse at you, not show love or gratitude for all you've done for them.  Don't be manipulated by any behavior of an addicted teen.  Don't enable their behavior by falling into their traps or by allowing them to behave in a way that will permit further abuse.

  • Tough love is a must.  Do not provide any financial support directly to your child if you suspect it may be used for alcohol or drugs. 

  • Take care of yourself so that you can handle the emotional and physical stress of dealing with an addicted teen.  Your heart will ache and you need to be prepared. Practice detachment because you need to react with some emotional distance to not fall into manipulative traps.  Remember, your child is still there but under the mask of an addict's illness.

  • Do not hesitate to ask for help.  There are many, many resources available.  Don't be embarrassed or you may lose your child.

• Even if it means turning your own child over to the legal system, you must take steps to get your child's addiction cured. There are many treatment programs that will help your child to deal with their addictive behaviors.

• Remember that addiction is an illness and is not easily cured. If your child goes into a treatment program you must follow-up with them when they are released back to you.  They must follow their continuing treatment plan which will often include therapy, attendance at Alcohol Anonymous or another twelve-step meeting.

• If there are other siblings in the family who are old enough to understand what is happening think about their well being.  Therapy or a program such as Al-Anon may be helpful.

• Remember that trust is very difficult to regain once it is lost.  Your teen will need to regain your trust slowly over time. Do not feel that that you cannot question your teen and expect to know where he is at all times.  It must be clear that if you catch your teen in a lie it will only set back your trust and his privileges.

• Remember that you are not alone.  There are thousands of others going through exactly what you and your family are going through right now.  Reach out and find support in your community.  Review the resources and use them to get your child well again.