Journey Through Grief
Grief is very hard to deal with, eventually we'll all have to go through the death of a loved one and it can engulf our lives and the lives of our other loved ones. I have made this site because I know first hand the pain of losing a loved one and wanted to share my advice with others going through this. My sister was murdered in 2002 and my mother died in 2004 due to liver failure. No matter how your loved one died, it's always painful, but sudden deaths, homicides and suicides often leave loved one's with many questions. The first few days, weeks and months are often the hardest, we may feel disbelief, numbness and ask why. Some of us cannot cry and do not cry for some time, this is completely normal and does not mean you are not grieving your loved one, you are in shock and your body does these things to protect us from the emotional pain. In the first days you may seem foggy, feel numb mentally and physically, you'll feel lightheaded and dizzy and may even vomit. You'll have trouble sleeping and eating, some people eat for comfort, others can't eat a drop. It's important to drink plenty of fluids, as shock and crying can dehydrate you and make you sick. The funeral arrangements can be awfully hard, you should take a friend of the family along for support and have someone who can do things that your just not able to. Don't be afraid to ask for help or for time alone if you need it. You'll also feel tremendous physical pain, it may feel as though someone is sitting on your chest and it's hard to breath, your stomach may tighten up and cause pains. You might have problems with going to the bathroom, or even go the other way and go too much. If your loved one's death was caused by homicide, a lot of states have a grief counselor, take advantage of this, they are trained to help families through the difficult days ahead, and if there is a trial for the killer, these counselors will attend the trial with the family and offer support and advice as to what to expect.
Although it might be hard, try to get into some kind of routine after the funeral, what worked for me after the murder of my sister was re-decorating my bedroom, I painted and got new pictures to hang. It helps to keep active, but also allow yourself some time to grieve, try not to swallow and push down the painful feelings, they will help you heal, and you may get sick physically if you hold in your intense feelings. Guilt is a common feeling also, we have to learn to let those feelings go, they do you no good and it cannot change a thing. The pain will lessen in intensity as time passes, but you will always grieve for your loved one. During Holidays is especially tough, try to do something to honor your loved one, maybe bring something special to the cemetery, light a memorial candle, or set a spot at the table. I have a special necklace I wear that my mother gave me and my sisters one year, my sister was buried with hers on, and because it symbolizes both my mother and sister (my mother passed away also in 2004) it gives me comfort and I feel as though their close when I wear it. It's been 4 years since my sister's passing, and 2 years since my mother's, but not one day goes where I don't think about them a few times a day, I still miss them terribly and it's still very painful, but I'm now able to laugh and smile at the great times and memories we shared. Please check out the links I've listed, they are very good grief sites and also my sister and Mother's memorial sites.
If unfortunately you have to attend a trial, please take advantage of the many programs in your state. As I said earlier, these grief counselors and victim associates are there to help you and to answer any questions about the trial. We had a few meetings with our DA before the trial to talk about anything that may be brought up at the trial, and what may be emotionally hard to hear. The defense's attorney does not care about the feelings of the victims families and may say awful things about the victim and/or your family, if such things come up, you are free to leave the courtroom, but keep in mind that you may not be able to re-enter (this was the case with my sister's trial so it would not distract jurors) If there is a Jury, you may notice some glancing at you to see reactions, they urge you not to show too much emotions while in session, and this can be extremely hard, if not impossible to do (I was asked to leave a few times during the trial) The whole thing will cause you to re-live the awful hours after you found out about your loved one's murder, and it can be traumatic to say the least. I was very angry with the realization that criminals get more rights than their victims, as of right now, the killer of my sister is appealing saying that he did not get a fair trial, even though he got more than a fair trial. So be prepared for any appeals, most of them to appeal a few times but they rarely get second trials (so I'm told, keeping my fingers crossed!)
Many people consult with a counselor or psychiatrist and this is a really good idea, especially if you find yourself in a deep depression. If you feel as though you may hurt yourself, seek immediate help. Some may develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after a loved one's death from homicide and this requires treatment