Background Information

Loneliness is an empty feeling inside of us.  It is often felt as an aching or a longing for someone else to be in our lives.  Loneliness is very different from being alone.  We all need to be alone sometimes.  But loneliness is a feeling that we can have when we are by ourselves or in a group of people.  It reflects the human need to share their inner thoughts and feelings with others and to spend time connecting with others in a positive way. 

• Loneliness can be hard to recognize.  You may not be thinking that you are lonely.  You may have feelings of longing for something more in life, the desire to have closer contact with others or a sense of sadness or depression. 

• Many people turn to other, destructive outlets to fill the emptiness inside of them.  Drugs and alcohol are often the replacements for human contact among the lonely.  This substance abuse leads to more complicated physical and emotional problems.

• Other people turn to meaningless types of human contact as a substitute for meaningful and deep relationships.  They may become addicted to sexual activity or become part of a gang.

• Teenage girls who feel lonely often think that having a baby will end their lonely feelings.  They believe that a baby will keep them company and that they will be important in someone's life.  Of course, the reality is that a baby is totally dependent on its mother and is unable to fulfill the need for human companionship that led to the pregnancy in the first place.

What to do Right Now!

• The first step to applaud is recognizing that you feel lonely.  Now why are you lonely?

• Many people are shy which means they feel uncomfortable relating to others and they tend to freeze up when confronted with a social situation.  Shy people are often worried about rejection or not fitting in with others.  It's important for shy people to work at overcoming their feelings of shyness. They must take small steps at doing what may not come naturally.  Making small talk in a safe setting is a good start.  Joining a club or organization that shares a common interest with you is one possibility.  Attending a lecture on a topic that interests you is another. You are more likely to find people who have something in common with you which might allow you to feel more comfortable socially.

• Sometimes people are lonely because they have lost a loved one either through death or another traumatic experience.  When you lose a loved one or a long term relationship ends it is very common to have difficulty opening up again to a trusting relationship. Remember that the reason you were able to have that close relationship in the first place was because you were a lovable person who had something valuable to offer.  There are others in this world who are waiting to recognize your value and to give you their friendship in return.

• It seems that the older we get the harder it is to make new friends.  As changes in our careers take us to new cities and states we often find ourselves a stranger in a completely new environment and we have a difficult time acclimating.  When starting a new job it is not unusual for co-workers to join your for lunch, dinner, or after work to help you become more comfortable in your new surroundings.  If you are not invited try inviting someone who has a friendly smile or who has offered a friendly word or greeting.

• While our families can sometimes seem more like the opposing side in the war it is often our family members who are there for us when we need help the most. If you are feeling lonely try calling a brother, sister, cousin or another relative who might enjoy hearing from you and exchanging updates about where life has taken you.

• Keep in mind that many people are lonely in today's fast paced society.  However, people are also so busy they often don't have time to notice their loneliness. Be patient with yourself and pat yourself on the back for each small step you take towards reaching out to another human being.

• Overcoming loneliness is a matter of taking small risks.  Eventually, these small risks can pay off big dividends and you may be surprised at how many friendships you are able to establish.

What to do next

• There are times when you must admit that you need professional help to work through the complicated feelings that the death of a loved have brought about.  If some of these signs have not disappeared after a few months professional help is indicated. 

• Symptoms of emotional distress such as depression, suicidal impulses, or severe physical symptoms of stress such as chronic headache or stomach ache.

• Hallucinations or visions about the dead loved one and frequent feelings that they are visiting or talking to you.

• Preoccupation with death; either a morbid fear of death or a desire to be dead and with your loved one.

• Feelings that you can no longer go on with life.  This may manifest itself in your lack of desire to get out of bed, shower, work, or doing the usual activities in your life.

• Isolating yourself from friends and family.

• A reliance on prescription drugs including sleeping pills or other sedatives.

Grief is normal and it needs an outlet.  Feelings need to be expressed.  Talking helps. The funeral is a place where the deep feelings of loss can be expressed.  Funerals are for the living and gives them an opportunity to work through their grief. Remember that grief is normal and necessary.  To not grieve is to keep feelings buried and to not come to terms with our loss.  Don't pretend that feelings of grief do not exist.  Talk to you friends. When someone asks how you are tell them the truth.  But remember, if grieving goes on for too long in a way that jeopardizes your own well-being see professional help.  There are many well trained grief counselors who can work with you to feel better about the loss and to come to terms with the nature of death and separation.

What can you learn from this experience?

Ask yourself (and be honest now) if you contributed in any way to being fired.  Were you often late? Did you fail to get work finished on time? If you can point to any actions on your part that played a role in this outcome think of ways to improve yourself so it doesn't happen again. Take classes, see a therapist, what ever it takes to change.