In our mind's we all know that death is a natural part of life.  We tell each other this and we discuss "the circle of life" which ends in death.  What death really means has been a discussion between theologians, philosophers, and psychologists for a very long time.  Issues of the afterlife, reincarnation, and other beliefs are the topic of many books, articles, and even movies and television programs.  No matter what our personal beliefs about death we can all agree on one thing.  The loss of a loved one hurts.  The fact that someone you love will no longer be in your life the way they had been in the past is a tremendously painful realization.

What to do first

Our society is not comfortable with the expression of grief.  The emphasis is on getting over the grief as quickly as possible and getting back to "living life".  The healing process takes time and is different for each person.  Some are able to do it along and some need professional help.

• Expressing grief is not a sign of weakness and is not something to be ashamed of.  Truthfully, grief can last anywhere from six months to several years and the loss of a loved one is not something that can be gotten over in a matter of days, weeks or even months.

• Do not expect that you will return to your "normal" life.  The loss of a loved one and the encounter with death can be a life altering experience that will forever change the way that you see and experience your life.  Seeing death up close often causes a new respect for life and a greater appreciation for life.  Also, there is often a deeper maturity and wisdom in a person who has seen death take a loved one.

• Many authors have written about death and the grieving process.  There are many expressions of the phases of mourning.  Generally speaking you can expect to travel through a few well defined emotional spaces.

  • Shock - At first, the death of a loved one can leave you in shock.  It is very hard to believe that the loved one is actually gone from this life.  As sick as that person was they were still present with you. Now that presence is silenced and the emptiness that you feel is often beyond belief.  At this stage it is often difficult to feel the deep emotions and the tears because your body is numb and in a self-protective mode.  This allows your psyche to get in touch with the idea of death and to logically deal with the loss.

  • Longing - After the shock, many people will experience a desperate longing to reclaim their loved ones again.  They try hard to recall through mental images how their loved one looked and how they sounded.  We want to find ways to keep them close to us even though they are gone from our existence.

  • Confusion - It may become difficult to function properly during this stage as the realization of the loss hits deeply in the emotional state of mind.  You may think that you cannot go on with life in the absence of the loved one or you may not see the point in going on any longer.  This stage is often mixed with other emotions including anger ("How could she have left me all alone"); guilt ("I know I should have taken him to another doctor and the care should have been better"); and blaming ("If God cared about me he would never have let my loved one die").  These emotions are normal.  Of course we are angry and of course we feel guilty.  Of course we feel like blaming someone, even God for this loss.  Of course, the truth is, that there is no one to blame.  Death occurs and is a part of life.  We cannot stop death from coming when it is time.

  • Readjustment - After time, the grieving person begins to readjust their life and to pick up the pieces after the loved one has died.  They prepare to go forward without that person in their lives and they begin to make important decisions about how they will live their lives in the future.

  • It is safe to say that you can never forget the loved one who has died.  You may think about that person every single day for the rest of your own life. 

  After the loss of a loved one there are some very practical things that must happen as well.  If you follow this link you will find a wonderful guide to the work that must take place immediately following the death of a loved one.  After death, if you are the adult responsible for the deceased, you will need to call the funeral home and make arrangements for removal of the body and what type of memorial services, if any, you will hold.  You will need to obtain a death certificate which is usually handled by a funeral parlor.  You will  need the death certificate for many purposes including closing out bank accounts, insurance claims, pension claims, filing taxes, and other activities.

   

  What to do next

  There are times when you must admit that you need professional help to work through the complicated feelings that the death of a loved have brought about.  If some of these signs have not disappeared after a few months professional help is indicated. 

• Symptoms of emotional distress such as depression, suicidal impulses, or severe physical symptoms of stress such as chronic headache or stomach ache.

• Hallucinations or visions about the dead loved one and frequent feelings that they are visiting or talking to you.

• Preoccupation with death; either a morbid fear of death or a desire to be dead and with your loved one.

• Feelings that you can no longer go on with life.  This may manifest itself in your lack of desire to get out of bed, shower, work, or doing the usual activities in your life.

• Isolating yourself from friends and family.

• A reliance on prescription drugs including sleeping pills or other sedatives.

Grief is normal and it needs an outlet.  Feelings need to be expressed.  Talking helps. The funeral is a place where the deep feelings of loss can be expressed.  Funerals are for the living and gives them an opportunity to work through their grief. Remember that grief is normal and necessary.  To not grieve is to keep feelings buried and to not come to terms with our loss.  Don't pretend that feelings of grief do not exist.  Talk to you friends. When someone asks how you are tell them the truth.  But remember, if grieving goes on for too long in a way that jeopardizes your own well-being see professional help.  There are many well trained grief counselors who can work with you to feel better about the loss and to come to terms with the nature of death and separation.