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What to do if a parent dies

When A Parent Dies - Three Things Never To Say To Children
By Gretchen Hirsch

Little children's concepts of death are amorphous at best. They may not understand what death means or what the consequences may be for them. While they may grieve that Mommy has died, they may still expect her to show up for their birthday party.

If they're a little older and do understand that Mommy or Daddy is not coming back, they may have serious concerns about their own lives. "Who will cook my dinner?" or "Who will watch me at gymnastics?"

These questions don't mean that the child isn't in grief; they represent his or her desire to find some certainty in a world that suddenly has gone topsy-turvy. They are serious issues for children; the questions should be answered as soon as possible to help them regain their balance.

In an attempt to comfort the child, adults sometimes say things that the child can easily misconstrue; efforts to be kind can backfire and have serious repercussions. Here are some "helpful comments" that are anything but:

• "Mommy died because it was God's will." This is the type of statement that can turn a child off God for a long, long time. Why did God want my mommy to die and leave me? Did I do something so bad that God took Mommy to punish me? Or did Mommy do something wrong?
• "Daddy is much happier now because he's with God."
  Adults might understand this concept, but children don' t. Children often believe that they are in some way responsible for the parent's death, and to tell them that Daddy's happier without them, even if he is with God, is downright cruel.
• "Daddy will get you a new mommy soon." A statement like this is absolutely unconscionable. The child has lost someone irreplaceable, but this comment indicates that Mommies are simply interchangeable parts-no more important than a flashlight battery.

Of course, you'll want to avoid the obvious bad choices: "Daddy went to sleep," or "Mommy left." These efforts to evade the facts can leave you with a child who becomes frightened at bedtime, abandons naps, and then becomes more anxious because of the lack of sleep. The second choice is hurtful because the child continues to look for Mommy every day, and each time Mommy doesn't arrive, the child has to deal with a fresh grief. How is he or she supposed to heal in those circumstances?

The best thing to do is to tell the truth. "Mommy was very, very sick (or seriously injured). All the doctors and nurses worked hard, but Mommy was too sick (or she was too badly hurt) for them to help her. She died. That means that she stopped breathing and her heart stopped beating and she couldn't hear or see anything. We won't see Mommy anymore, but you can remember that she loved you with her whole heart and was so proud of you. We're all going to be lonely for Mommy, but I will look after you and take care of you. We can talk about Mommy anytime you want to because we all loved her. And I love you."

Death is a tragedy for children as well as adults, but kids are resilient and tough. If they have the facts and a good deal of loving support, they eventually can surmount the sorrow and go on with their lives.

Gretchen Hirsch is a writer and independent editor who can be reached at gretchen@midwestbookdocs.com

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